I’m reading a book called Crucial Conversations, which is all about how to handle those tricky yet critical conversations that make a huge difference in how easily we get to where we want to go in life. These conversations include things like giving the boss negative feedback, handling an uncomfortable situation with a neighbor, or breaking bad news to someone you really care about. I’m only in the first couple of chapters, and so far the book is great, but it brought up many questions, and one in particular involves avoiding giving other people feedback.

When is it ok to avoid giving feedback? My guess is that many times, the reason conversations become crucial is because stuff has been brewing and left un-talked about. On the other hand, there may be situations where it’s actually better to let things go.

We have countless examples to explore – when someone has bad breath, when something is caught in their teeth, when their clothes, shoes, or personal attire isn’t up to snuff, when they say something that might be taken wrong, when they aren’t handling something that well, when they are unwittingly committing political suicide, when they have annoying idiosyncrasies… the list could go on forever.

Part of being a good friend is being honest, but the other part is accepting each other as-is, with no personal judgment. How do you know when being honest is really just being judgmental?

Part of being a good boss, parent, or teacher is providing feedback, but the other part is creating an environment that is safe enough for those in your charge to make mistakes and learn from them. When is it appropriate to tell your child that the picture she drew isn’t a masterpiece? When does the child stop trusting you because you only say positive things?

When you witness a peer giving a presentation, and you are there for support, do you just give them the positive feedback, or do you share the negative points as well?

Here are the guidelines I try to follow:

1. Be honest with myself. I may choose not to give feedback to others, but I still need to know what my opinion is. Many people hide from the truth in order to avoid inner conflict. I now avoid this inner conflict by allowing myself not to act. You may realize that your marriage or your job is not going to work out years before you have the practical means to make a change. But if you hide from the truth, your inner conflict will find other ways to plague you.

2. Clarify my role in the relationship, and ask permission before sharing. Do you want me to make observations to help you take it to the next level, or do you want me to be here for support and validation?

3. Provide information when it will be useful, and stay focused on ways to use it. Your presentation was enjoyable. If you want to have a more powerful impact, you can do A, B, and C.

4. Separate the person from the behavior or situation. You look beautiful. In my opinion, that outfit doesn’t show your best characteristics because it looks tight and bunched up around the hips. The blue outfit you wore at the conference fell more naturally, and really complimented your shape.

5. Remind the person that I only have one perspective, and it may not be the right one. I noticed her flinch when you made the remark about the tackiness of the postcard campaign. I think she was probably surprised and hurt by the comment, but maybe I am wrong – why don’t you check in with her and see?

6. Allow myself room to grow as well. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to bring an issue up. That’s usually a signal that I have more personal growth to work on. But instead of berating myself for not bringing it up when I should, or rationalizing by coming up with an excuse to justify remaining silent, I acknowledge that I still have more work to do on myself – and I trust that the honest moment of self-awareness is moving me in the right direction.

In an ideal world, we would all be able to relate to each other honestly but not hurtfully. In this world, with all the layers we have built up to protect ourselves from each other, sometimes we can’t come close to approaching the ideal. But the more we work towards it, the better we get. Share your stories and opinions on this topic – and let’s all practice this week!

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

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Halloween Special for Coaches
by Philip H. Henderson

October marks the start of autumn. Picture autumn in your mind’s eye. Shorter daylight hours. Warm fireplaces. Major League Baseball World Series. Falling leaves. Indian Summer nights. However, nothing signals autumn more than the goings on that take place on Halloween night. Halloween is literally the Evening Before All Saints Day.

When you work as a Coach, many times your clients feel as though you perform miraculous deeds; might I say saintly deeds. If that is the case, then Halloween is a special day for those who coach from their heart and produce miracles for their clients. Such a coach is a modern day Saint. Are we as coaches, headed for eventual sainthood? Only time will tell.

Imagine the importance of your work in the lives of your clients. When your good work propels your client to succeed, how many people actually benefit? You must count the immediate family members, spouse, and children. Probably also count the siblings, and parents. You must include the people your client works with directly in their place of business and their outside business contacts. Whoa, whoa, what have we gotten ourselves into? Have we become change agents?

I was a doctoral student in Organizational Development (OD) in the early 1970’s. That was at the formation of this discipline. I was learning how to become a societal change agent. When I left my doctoral studies, I continued to work actively as a change agent in the various careers I practiced. A change agent is a person whose actions cause institutions (or individuals) to look at themselves differently. When your clients conclude that they are capable of designing their own destiny, life just becomes easier and fulfilling. Coaches are change agents.

Change agents work insidiously. We are catalysts for change. The subtle moves that we set in motion are highly leveraged. These moves produce huge results in the future of our clients. Coaches inspire others to move without directing the move. When we discover that our client wears a mask that hides her true identity we help her remove the mask to allow her true self to shine. When coaches notice that our client pretends to be someone they do not want to be and are living unauthentic lives, we challenge them to shed their costume and live freely.

When I coach a client and help her to live fully her heart’s dreams, I feel like I have performed a “real magic trick.” When I provide guidance and support in the transformation of a person into a higher performance track, I know I have performed saintly work. Does that sound spooky to you? Those of us who are called to be coaches willingly accept our mission. We know that importance of our work and coach with smiles in our hearts and on our faces.

On the Eve of All Saints Day, when the ghosts and hobgoblins hover around your home or place of work, take some time to think about the magic you perform daily as a coach. You unmask the faces of your clients so all who love them can appreciate their true beauty. You chase away the demons that prevent your clients from achieving their best every day. Whenever I think of Hallowe’en, I will remember that this holiday could easily become the special day for coaches, who in their own way are saintly. Happy Hallowe’en!

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What Is It to Be a Coach?
by Beth Griffith, CPCC
www.bethgriffith.com

I sat there staring at him, watching his chest move up and down with each labored breath. The sting in my eyes was from a combination of tears and sleep deprivation. Although his eyes were closed, I could see them moving back and forth behind his eyelids. His body jerked occasionally; his dreams could not have been peaceful. I felt helpless, sad, and frightened. Here was my closest friend lying in a hospital bed with only the sound of the heart monitor keeping us company. Where? When? Why? How? All imaginable questions popped into my aching head as I tried to gain clarity of the situation. After all, I’m a life coach, and I should know how to handle this.

I couldn’t think of one word to say in that moment. Frustrated, I shifted my body and sat up straight in the chair. With a firm voice inside my head, I said, “Center yourself, get your mind clear, take a deep breath, and gain some clarity!” Still, absolutely nothing came to mind, and my body just seemed to ache more--or maybe I was just starting to feel it.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

There were no questions to ask, no inquiries to ponder, no actions to take. It was my job to be vigilant for the truth, to hold our relationship in love, and to be courageous enough to not let go when the moments got tough. I could do no more, and I owed my friend and myself nothing less.

Sometimes you just have to be with people in that space. You just have to love them as they find their way home. There is nothing to say or do. It was a gift in that moment to remember what it was, for me, to be a life coach.